Why Is It So Hard To Let Go

On the surface, letting go of an abusive or toxic/unhealthy relationship would seem easy enough or eagerly looked forward to — like Christmas morning. But that’s not always the case. For many, letting go can be a different kind of torture.

Healing forward can be especially difficult when we struggle to reconcile the “love” we have for an unhealthy, toxic or abusive partner with the truth. Let’s look at three common issues that can make letting go difficult: 

Healthy Definition of Love

Without a doubt, we all use our own subjective, internal definition of love. Love, therefore, can mean different things to different people. Our definition of love can also have unconscious and unhealthy influences that play a big part in the way that we interpret and define love. As well, our definition of love can be unconsciously tied to false teaching or influenced by experiences that were internalized and form a dysfunctional love language or perception of love.

Take for example the case of letting go of an abusive relationship. The abuser might have some good qualities, there might be some good memories even but the definition of a healthy relationship, healthy love, is not simply good qualities or good memories or good times. A simple definition of healthy love is RHR — Reciprocated, Honored and Respected.

If we apply RHR to the biblical definition of love, it gives us a pretty healthy standard to work with: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). RHR + 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 = RHR Love. If it’s not RHR Love, it’s not healthy love.

An abusive relationship is not based on nor can it produce healthy love.

The bottom line is, abusive relationship behavior is the opposite of RHR Love, and the opposite of God’s plan for your life. Ephesians 5:21-33, by the way, is RHR Love. No matter what else might attract us to someone, a healthy love definition gives us a baseline to measure or validate the health of a relationship, and gives us the feedback we need to, “judge the relationship tree by the fruit that it bears.” But knowing the truth or being able to judge the relationship tree by the fruit that it bears doesn’t always mean that we’re capable of guarding our heart or removing ourselves from the relationship — when necessary. That’s where emotional truth comes in.

Struggling to heal forward from intimate relationship abuse for some might be less about RHR Love, which obviously didn’t exist or was canceled by destructive behavior, and more about internal truth. By internal truth I mean our emotional truth or emotional conditioning which can effect how we respond to abuse. Recovering from any relationship can be hard but what often makes healing past an abusive relationship hard are two concepts I want to share with you.

Cognitive Dissonance

“In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance Is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values (Wikipedia, 2017). Survivors of psychological abuse (specifically narcissistic abuse), are impacted by cognitive dissonance throughout their relationships with abuser. In the aftermath when doing the work of trauma recovery, cognitive dissonance can be a mental and emotional nightmare and cause a survivor to get stuck in a debilitating emotional loop of trying to understand how the person who claims to love them also has abused them.”

Source: PsychCentral

The Trauma Bond

“Trauma bonds (also referred to as traumatic bonds) are emotional bonds with an individual (and sometimes, with a group) that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments.

Unhealthy, or traumatic, bonding occurs between people in an abusive or emotionally unhealthy relationship. The bond is stronger for people who have experienced developmental trauma or a history of traumatic relationships/abuse, which can predispose us to trauma bonding. Among battered woman, a three-phase process can explain the intermittent reward-punishment cycle. During phase one, there is a gradual increase in tension, followed by an “explosive battering incident” in phase two, which is then followed by a peaceful expression of love and affection from the abuser during phase three. The recurring and cyclical nature of these phases gives rise to a trauma bond that binds the victim to the abuser like “miracle glue.”

Initially, the abuser is inconsistent in approach, developing it into an intensity perhaps not matched in other relationships of the victim. It is claimed the longer a relationship continues, the more difficult it is for people to leave the individual with whom they have bonded.”

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22)

In both cases, Cognitive Dissonance and Trauma Bonding, the layers and complexity are determined by a multitude of factors, and vary from person to person. Struggle is often an indicator that we’ve reached the edge of our knowledge or ability. When working through abuse recovery, recognizing that you need help critical.

There are plenty of books and scholarly articles about Trauma Bonding, PTSD, CPTSD and Cognitive Dissonance. What is important to understand is that abusive relationships can and often do result in emotional trauma. When leaving an abusive partner or when letting go of what is killing you is hard, seek the support you deserve to help you reclaim your life and transform trauma. To learn more about my one-on-one transformational healing programs by Clicking Here or visit the Coaching link in the site menu.

Patrick Weaver

Walking With Victims and Survivors of Domestic Abuse

We see you. We hear you. We Believe you. Let us walk with you. Whether emergency financial support, 24/7 access to meaningful information and resources, The Exodus Project is on a mission to be an instrument of God’s love for victims and survivors of domestic abuse.

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