Unhealthy Soul Ties

An unhealthy soul tie is an emotional drug…

How does someone become tied to our soul? What is it about a soul tie that makes someone who isn’t good for us, good to us?

An unhealthy soul tie blurs the line between healthy and unhealthy love.

Before we start, let’s address something that is often misunderstood about soul ties or being soul tied…The word “Soul Tie” or soul tied, is not a biblical word. Soul tie is a description of an emotional attachment or condition that represents an unhealthy emotional connection with or desire for another person. An unhealthy soul tie, like a trauma bond, is driven by unhealthy emotions or trauma within ourselves, not love — not love based on mutual, healthy/rational, or safe affection. 

For clarity sake, some have erroneously believed that 1 Samuel 18:1, describes or spiritualizes a soul tie but this passage is not referring to emotional infections or afflictions, or unholy connections. This scripture defines a healthy bond between Jonathan and David based on Godly love, respect and honor. 1 Samuel 18:1, says: “Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.”

1 Samuel 18:1, is referring to a “Kindred spirit.” A bond based on mutual respect, honor and most importantly, Godly love. An unhealthy soul tie is the opposite of what the bible is referring to in 1 Samuel 18:1. The bond between David and Jonathan, Godly love, is explained in 1 John 4:7-12. With the knowledge of what biblical love is, we know that an unhealthy soul tie is not based in biblical or healthy love. 

There are three main types or causes of unhealthy soul ties or unhealthy connections, or should I say three reasons that unhealthy connections are created:

1. Gossip
2. Sex
3. Brokenness/Emotional Unhealthiness

You can probably come up with some more but these three cover the primary motivations for unhealthy soul ties. They expose us to being unhealthily connected to another person. The word for a healthy connection between two intimate people is “soul match”, which is commonly referred to as soul mate. A soul match or mate is someone who you are drawn to out of healthy emotions and spiritual discernment based in behavior that respects, honors and reciprocates love — true love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). A soul match fulfills God’s plans for you — spiritually, emotionally and physically: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Unlike a soul match, a soul tie is anything but God’s plans for us. An unhealthy soul tie results in an unhealthy, destructive influence that leads to feelings of an uncontrollable bond with another person. This bond or connection is not so much about the other person as it is about what is going on in our soul (James 1:13-15). Our emotional afflictions predispose us to emotional addictions to poison. Now, to be fair, a soul tie or person we’ve established a soul tie with, can have attributes and qualities that are good. The issue isn’t whether they have good qualities or the ability to make is feel good, the issue is that the connection is emotionally destructive, toxic and contrary to what God’s plans are for our life and love.

Every soul tie requires that we burn down our emotional house to stay in the soul tied relationship. The soul wants what the soul wants based on the condition of the soul. If the soul is unhealthy, hurt, suffering from afflictions or brokenness, it will seek or bond with affection that medicates or makes the unhealthy soul “feel good.” This connection is often characterized by emotional intensity, emotional dependency, obsessive thoughts and behaviors, jealousy and possessiveness, toxic energy/behavior, sexual intensity, and difficulty letting go.

An unhealthy soul tie undermines your dignity, integrity, values and identity. It’s an emotional addiction, similar to a drug addiction — in its control over you. A drug addict is not addicted to drugs, a drug addict is addicted to pain — unrealized, undiscovered and unhealed pain or trauma. The drug addict uses/abuses their drug of choice to medicate the pain. The longer the addict uses, the more difficult it becomes to stop using and the more control the drug has over them. This is very much like the effect of an unhealthy soul tie.

Spiritually, an unhealthy soul tie can serve as an opening or door to the soul. The opening allows diverse spirit access to our soul. These unhealthy spirits pass STD’s — Spiritually Transmitted Diseases – 1 Corinthians 6:15-17.  An unhealthy soul tie can expose you to being enlisted and exploited by the enemy to do those things you ought not and should not do: “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it” (Romans 7:19-20; James 1:13-15); “Do those things you ought not to do” means to engage in actions/behavior that you know are wrong or considered morally incorrect, essentially doing things that undermine God’s plans for your life, destroy your soul and grieve your spirit (Ephesians 4:30).

Unhealthy soul ties almost always involve one persons heart and mind being manipulated and controlled by another person, and in many cases cause one person to emotionally suffer or become an emotional martyr for the relationship. Despite the destructive nature, neither party has the strength to end the relationship, which results in the emotional house being burned down to keep the relationship warm.

Everybody we meet makes a deposit into our soul. Some shallow, some deep, some healthy and some unhealthy. The unhealthy soul tie is not like other connections.  An unhealthy soul tie is not simply a connection or bond with an emotionally or spiritually unhealthy person, an unhealthy produces unhealthy thoughts, attractions and addictions. An unhealthy soul tie is a reflection of our soul condition — despite our spiritual position. Our spiritual position — belief in God and the bible, can co-exist with our emotional addiction or unhealthy condition. You can be saved and emotionally broken or suffering at the same time (Romans 7:19-25).

Consider this: Holy people can have holes in their heart — issues of blood. A hole is simply an unhealed wound from the past that exposes us to emotional addictions. Addictions aren’t “to” something, addictions are “for” something.  The drug of choice medicates the pain — and usually ends up being abused (drug abuse).  People can be our drug of choice — and a soul tie is almost always our drug of choice “for” unacknowledged emotional pain, trauma or brokenness.

Unresolved emotional pain can be silent but deadly. If we’ve experienced traumatic relationship/relational trauma, suffered developmental trauma or if we’ve been exposed to toxic teachers, pain can hide in our soul and, desensitize us to emotionally dysfunctional behavior, make toxic relationships feel normal.

An unhealthy soul tie always tells us something about ourselves that we didn’t know, need to know or have denied knowing. If you think about it, what could cause us to think we’re hopelessly in love with someone who is emotionally poisonous or causes us to abandon ourselves? It’s not them…it’s the pain within us…that they medicate. Remember, alcohol does not make people become alcoholics, pain does. Alcohol, or whatever the drug of choice is, is abused to medicate the internal, unrealized or unresolved pain.

When you are aware that you have an unhealthy soul, the most important thing you can do is acknowledge it for what it is. Don’t call it love, call it what it is: an emotional addiction to a drug of choice to medicate internal pain. Calling it love creates a false positive perception of the relationship and leads to cognitive dissonance. Whenever our soul has been unhealthily connected to another the signs include:

• Obsessive preoccupation with another or inability to move past an emotionally, mentally or spiritually unhealthy relationship
• Tendencies to seek to recreate or reproduce feelings from an unhealthy relationship
• Pattern of behavior that consistently engages in relationships with unhealthy people
• Treats relationships like a drug or a fix for a temporary high and easily discards relationships after the high wears off

To begin the work to untie an unhealthy soul tie, we have to acknowledge and respect that they aren’t the issue and the bond is not based on love. It’s based on pain, unhealed pain or trauma. The unhealthy soul tie does not tie us, we tie them to us through unhealthy emotions that are medicated by them. This is where the work comes in.

Prayer will open our heart to God’s will and desire for our lives. However, change comes from putting boots on our faith and going to work (James 2:17).  Soul work is not easy work…it’s intentional, honest and humble work. It is often the most difficult work to do because it requires determination and conviction to dig up our unhealthy emotional roots.

We can be negatively influenced, emotionally contaminated, from a childhood that lacked positive or functional love role models. Neglect or lack of training/modeling can have negative emotional consequences for some.

Soul work requires getting the knowledge and support to help us to do the work to renew our mind, address and heal unhealthy emotions, and to create emotional boundaries to stay sober. You’re not just working on your healing but you’re also working on loving yourself on a conscious level, a level that honors who you are.

Untying an unhealthy soul tie begins and ends with us (Proverbs 4:23). If we don’t heal the hurt in our soul that abuses that drug, tolerates unacceptable behavior and controls our mind, another soul tie will come along to replace them. Here are some things to consider as you begin your journey to heal from an unhealthy soul tie:

• Acknowledge the soul tie: Recognize that the connection is unhealthy or incompatible with your life.
• Identify support: Find others who can help you is critical to navigating the healing process. Don’t heal alone, getting the right help, support, coaching or counseling will help you do the right work to heal.
• Limit or go no-contact: Reduce or stop contact with the person you have the soul tie with.
• Change your routine: Try to make some changes to your daily life that reinforce your healing and a healthy mindset.
• Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and intentional about it.
• Allow yourself to grieve: Mourn the relationship instead of pushing your feelings away.
• Practice self-care: Do things that improve your physical and mental health, and help you manage emotional and spiritual well-being.
• Pray: Prayer is essential to emotional healing. By grounding our healing in faith and truth, we are able to find guidance and support for the hope of our healing.

No matter how difficult it might seem to break an unhealthy soul tie, remember this: “With you it is impossible but with God, all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).  With God’s help, we are more than conquerors…no weapon formed against us shall prosper!

 

Patrick Weaver

 

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