The Abuses After Relationship Abuse

A victim of relationship abuse, sadly, often has to contend with two forms of abuse…after leaving an abusive relationship. Let me unpack that…

 

As if the insidious, heinous strangulation of spirit, mind and soul, by a depraved and sorted spirit isn’t enough, abuse victims are often re-abused after being suffering relationship abuse. Being in a relationship with someone who savagely, willfully and purposefully abuses you — mentally, emotionally or physically, is like a wall being in a relationship with a wrecking ball. Unfortunately, the victim who finds the strength, the courage, the wisdom to flee this demonic stronghold, is often greeted by two, among many other, subsequent forms of abuse…

 

The abuse of ignorance. In this day and age, relationship abuse, like many other traumas, is still very much misunderstood. The abuse of ignorance that comes after the abuse victim makes the decision to save their life by leaving an abuser comes in the form of folks who second guess their choice to leave an abuser, folks who blindly and ignorantly use the Bible to condemn an abuse victim for leaving a relationship with an abuser, and folks who demean or half-heartedly accept the fact that mental and emotional abuse are the internal equivalent of physical abuse. Not to mean that someone physically abused is not also mentally and emotionally abused.

 

The second form of abuse comes from impatience or unrealistic expectations for the abuse survivor to just get over over it, just let it go, just move on, just whistle and smile like it never happened, or just forgive and forget. These are perhaps the most well meaning but also the most unhealthy people to be around when you come out of an abusive relationship.

 

For those who don’t get it…often a victim of domestic terrorism at the hands of a lover or loved one, is unable to deal with the depth and the effect of their traumatic experience until after they’re free. Not until after they attempt to acclimate or readapt to life post-abuse does the aftermath of trauma raise its ugly little head. It’s in this transition from hell to healing that an abuse victim needs compassion not impatience, understanding not cute bible quotes and get healed quick messaging. The emotional poisoning caused by their acidic, toxic abuse drains slowly — not overnight. And it can sometimes take years.

 

Your healing is not going to be microwaveable. The well-meaning, Bible quoting, impatient bystanders can just wait! You have been ripped apart from the inside out, loved by a wrecking ball, beaten down, confused, imprisoned, starved and have a thousand cuts and bruises in your soul. You will experience grief, depression, anger, anxiety, fits of rage, tears of sadness, regret — sometimes all in one day.

 

You will discover that scarred emotions cause triggers and flashbacks. If you are one of the rare ones, you will experience mild PTSD or CPTSD but if you’re like most, it will be mild to severe. You might even have moments when you miss your abuser — because of a self-love deficit.

 

Put this in your spirit…After the Children of Israel were freed from their oppressor, Pharaoh, they suffered from Post Traumatic Stress. They were free physically but emotionally they were still very much in bondage. Their struggles following their exodus are like most who endure prolonged exposure to toxic stress. 

To survivors of abuse…with everything you have left, fall into grace. Seek the presence of God’s love. Shower yourself in affirmation and reiteration of your anointed resilience. Be patient with yourself. And after you’ve done all you can to stand, to regain your composure, to embrace your well deserved freedom, join a recovery group, surround yourself with wise and compassionate counsel. Seek therapy or support for tools and resources to help you drain the poison, make sense of homeless emotions and work through the scars. Do this not only for yourself but also because if you don’t, you will unintentionally bleed on, hurt and turn your anger on the people who didn’t abuse you.