Forgiveness Does Not Guarantee Reconciliation

An abuser’s apology does not = changed behavior or permanent change. A toxic, narcissistic, destructive abuser is skilled at using apologies to manipulate and seduce a victim into signing back up for another tour of duty — of emotional abuse. An apology without change is not an apology. Because they didn’t gaslight you on Monday, curse you Tuesday, verbally or physically beat on Wednesday, doesn’t mean they’ve changed for good. This is not your first rodeo, and you know the difference between  apology and changed behavior…and so does God.

 

The abuser’s apology is more often than not followed by righteous indignation, and an even more intense cycle of abuse. The unrepentant abuser is sly as a fox and will even enlist the Bible to manipulate and coerce a victim into believing that an apology without proof of change = reconciliation.

 

An abuser can change, if their desire to change is sincere and the result of self-awareness, followed by consistent and successful work. An abuser who apologizes without owning their behavior and, seeking and successfully completing intensive spiritual, emotional and mental counseling to address and uproot the underlying issues that motivate a depraved and indifferent attitude towards destroying a human being they claim to love…is highly unlikely to change and more than likely will repeat the cycle of empty apology followed by more abuse…and often more intense abuse.

 

Apology accepted but reconciliation rejected without evidence, over an extended period of time, of permanent change. Under no circumstance does an apology obligate the victim to reenlist for another tour of emotional, mental or physical hell. An apology is for the abusers own soul first and foremost, not a guarantee of a future relationship with the victim.

 

We find this principle in the Bible when God accepted Saul’s repentance but rejected his future role as King: “Then Saul said to Samuel, “I have sinned. I violated the Lord’s command and your instructions…Now I beg you, forgive my sin and come back with me, so that I may worship the Lord.” But Samuel said to him, “I will not go back with you. You have rejected the word of the Lord, and the Lord has rejected you as king over Israel!” (1 Samuel 15:24-26). God accepted Saul’s repentance, spared his life, but rejected him as King. This lines up with the word: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows” (Galatians 6:7).

 

If you drive drunk and injure someone, God will forgive you but your future driving privileges will still be revoked. And depending on the victim’s injuries or the drivers prior offenses and previous warnings, the driver might go to jail. But you’re forgiven. Forgiveness doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences, and we must not guilt or shame an abuse victim because they’ve accepted an abusers apology but rejected reconciliation…and instead chose liberation. Going back to hell is not for everybody and not required of anybody in order to accept an apology.

 

We must end victim blaming, shaming and false messaging — in and out of the church. We must educate and when necessary, liberate abuse victims with God’s word. We must stop falsely equating an apology with guaranteed readmittance into an abusers life. We must stop falsifying and lying on the word of God to coerce and manipulate abuse victims into choosing death over life. We must have a united and clear voice in the body of Christ that lines up with Bible concerning abuse. It is time for Christians to stop sending their own into the furnace of abuse, and calling it, “God’s will.”