Children Are Collateral Damage In The Domestic Violence War

Anytime you read a post about abuse, from me, know that behind every word there’s a little bit of anger, a little bit of tears and a lot of grace…

 

My mother was the victim, I was collateral damage, for decades. I saw things that children should not see. That children will never unsee. Things that can’t even be repeated — because it’s better that way. There’s nothing you feel that I don’t understand or haven’t seen personally.

 

We rarely talk about the children, the collateral damage in the narcissistic, toxic domestic war. They are no less abused, no less suffering, no less impacted, no less trained by the author of lies. If I could put it into words, for your children, I would tell you that a portion of their adulthood is going to be spent recovering from their childhood. In ways that you cannot imagine.

 

If they are lucky, the will land softly in adulthood with minimal healing to do. If they’re average, they’ll learn by devastation, horrible experiences, and horrible people that their undiscovered and unhealed trauma emotions attract them to. They’ll stumble, they’ll be abused, they’ll be everything they saw you be. If they’re like many, they will become the next generation of abusers, narcissists and victimizers. I was average. But God…

 

Nothing but the blood…Miracle on top of miracle saved and promoted me in life in the midst of my brokenness as an adult. I was a bloody mess on the inside but few knew it on the outside. A bloody mess from the cuts caused by the daily barrage of insidious, horrific and destructive behavior unleashed by a parent, and I didn’t even know it. Trauma from abuse is released when the abuse is over — or no longer a present danger. We launch abused children of abusive parents into adulthood with distorted, dysfunctional and underdeveloped emotions. Emotions that are often unknowingly stuck at the scene of the childhood crime — the childhood nightmares. We never emotionally grow past our deepest wounds until we begin to heal beloved. And for most victims of abuse, healing doesn’t begin until after the nightmare is over. The same is true for your children.

 

I’ve never forgotten. No amount of personal success, accomplishments or years, can remove the deep, visceral scarring that abuse leaves in the soul. You cannot un-know what you know — you eventually learn to not let it define or control you. Like the thorn in the flesh, your children will carry your abuse in their soul for the rest of their lives. It’s a part of their authentic story. It will bring them to tears without reason, it will give them triggers that they didn’t ask for. It will, it can, it often does, give them a different kind of empathy. But God’s grace is sufficient.

 

My mother never escaped. I prayed, I begged, I pleaded but she never escaped. We endured. She was freed when after nearly 20 years, my father died of alcoholism. And I can tell you, with all sincerity, I didn’t mourn for him on the day he died, I mourned for my mother who had been living dead for too many years. I don’t know which was worse, the narcissist or the alcoholic in my father but both were wrecking balls, both left us hungry too many nights to count, both were terrifying, both were unpredictable, both were unstoppable, both were my teacher.

 

 

Shield your babies beloved, hide them from as much as you can. Talk with them, they need you to be a rudder for them to navigate the destructive waters they live in. If you are struggling with the decision to leave for yourself, think about your babies. Think about their future and the influence your abuse will have on them.

 

You both deserve better, you both have God’s plans for you, you both are the apple of God’s eye…you both can be free. Your children — future wives and husbands, are watching you. If you can, be free. Don’t ever let someone tell you that a broken home is worse than being broken in your home. Plan your plan, work your plan, if you can, to be free. If not for yourself beloved, for them.

 

I’ve been healed, set free for many years. I know it’s possible. But we need to tell our history so that folks can have permission to be human with us. To know that they won’t be judged or misunderstood. I’m years past recovery but the victims of trauma will never un-experience what they experienced. When Jesus was resurrected, He had scars from His trauma (John 20:27), and so will we. But God can and will use our trauma for somebody else’s treasure. And I’m prayerful that God uses me boldly, mightily and fearlessly for His abused people.

 

God bless you, I’m praying for your release, and the release of your children as well.