Children Are Collateral Damage In The Domestic Violence War

Anytime you read a post about abuse, from me, know that behind every word there’s a little bit of anger, a little bit of tears and a lot of grace…

 

My mother was the victim, I was collateral damage, for decades. I saw things that children should not see. That children will never unsee. Things that can’t even be repeated — because it’s better that way. There’s nothing you feel that I don’t understand or haven’t seen personally.

 

We rarely talk about the children, the collateral damage in the narcissistic, toxic domestic war. They are no less abused, no less suffering, no less impacted, no less trained by the author of lies. If I could put it into words, for your children, I would tell you that a portion of their adulthood is going to be spent recovering from their childhood. In ways that you cannot imagine.

 

If they are lucky, they will land softly in adulthood with minimal healing to do. If they’re like most, they’ll be launched into adulthood with a need to heal without knowing it…they’ll stumble, they’ll be abused, they’ll be everything they saw you be. And, sadly, some will become the next generation of abusers, narcissists and victimizers. I was like most. But God…

 

Nothing but the blood…My mother reinforced and nurtured my identity, despite, and for me, that gave me a sense of purpose as an adult. It was by the grace of God that I was able to walk wounded, with a sense of purpose, which saved me from myself. I was a bloody mess on the inside but few knew it on the outside. Children who come from an abusive household go into adulthood with distorted, dysfunctional and underdeveloped emotions. Emotions that are often unknowingly stuck at the scene of the childhood crimes — the childhood nightmares. We never emotionally grow past our deepest wounds until we begin to heal beloved. The same is true for your children.

 

I’ve never forgotten. No amount of personal success, accomplishments or years removed, can undo the deep scarring that abuse leaves in the soul. You cannot unsee what you saw or un-know what you know — you eventually, with help, learn to not let it define or control you. Like a thorn in the flesh, children will carry the effects of abuse in their soul for the rest of their lives. It’s a part of their authentic story. It will bring them to tears without reason, it will give them triggers that they didn’t ask for. It will, it can, it often does, give them a different kind of reality. But God’s grace is sufficient.

 

My mother never escaped. I prayed, I begged, I pleaded but she never escaped. We endured. My mother was from a generation that didn’t have the support and information that is available today…and the support today for abuse victims isn’t much better than it was for my mother. My mother’s freedom came after nearly 20 years, when my father suddenly died of alcohol induced heart attack/stroke. And I can tell you, with all sincerity, I didn’t mourn for him on the day he died, I mourned for my mother who had been living dead for too many years. I don’t know which was worse, the narcissist or the alcoholic in my father but both were wrecking balls, both left us hungry too many nights to count, both were terrifying, both were unpredictable, both were unstoppable, both were my teacher.

 

Shield your babies beloved. Talk with them, they need you to be a rudder for their confused emotions and to help them navigate the destructive, emotionally corrosive waters they live in. If you are struggling with the decision to leave for yourself, think about your babies. Think about their future and the influence your abuse will have on them.

 

You both deserve better, you both have God’s plans for you, you both are the apple of God’s eye…you both can be free. Don’t ever let someone tell you that a broken home is worse than being broken in your home. Plan your plan, work your plan, if you can, to be free. If not for yourself beloved, for them.

 

I’ve been healed, I’m years past recovery but the victims of trauma will never un-experience what they experienced. When Jesus was resurrected, He had scars from His trauma (John 20:27), and so will we. But God can and will use our trauma for somebody else’s treasure. And I’m prayerful that God uses you and I boldly, mightily and fearlessly to set His abused children free.

 

I’m praying for your release, and the release of your children. It’s not always easy, it’s not always simple, it’s not always possible to just walk out of the door. No one who knows what you’re going through is judging you or blaming you for the abuser’s behavior. If you need help, if you need support to figure out how to safely and thoughtfully leave Egypt, please know that there are people who are willing to walk with you to freedom.